Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish I was a gloworm,,, a gloworm's never glum,,, cos how can you be grumpy when the sun shines out your bum

   I don't have a pet,, so I adopted this spider, but the stupid thing won't even chase the laser pen,,, It's got 8 eyes so I *know* he sees it.

   The crowd is huge at this year's Wrestlemania! But America's obesity problem is nothing to joke about.

   Tomorrow I'm calling Geico and saving 15%, then I'm calling Progressive and saving $475, then State Farm to save $540, then 21st Century to save $430 .... by the time I'm done, they should be owing me money!!!

   OMG !! This Google Circles thing is the Shizznitt... - posted on Facebook.

   I wanna know why I wasn't invited to the orgy last month. It must have been one hell of a good one with all the women announcing their pregnancy today!!

   I read "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" in 4 hours yesterday. I know it's only 6 words, but I was still impressed with myself.

   My girlfriend is leaving me because I'm obsessed with nike.. I looked her dead in the eyes and said "just do it"

   When ever My wife is cooking, I like to walk up behind her, slowly stroke her hair and whisper into her ear... "Let's order a pizza."

   Facebook feels a lot like Group Therapy...only everyone is talking at once and no one wants to be cured

   Perfect girls are found at every corner of the earth... unfortunately, the earth is round.

   The corner of my bathtub is also referred to as "The Shampoo Bottle Graveyard"

   Just walked out of Wal Mart and thought to myself... "Wow, I've never seen it that empty with customers". Then it hit me... WrestleMania is on tonight.

   Hey Girl Scouts, let mom handle my cookie transaction. I don't have all day to watch you practice math..

   just finishing up my taxes and am now a little worried about my tax software. It just recommended I slip across the border into Mexico.

   It's fitting to have Wrestlemania on April Fools Day..

   The two most common elements in the world are hydrogen and stupidity.

   Grandpa died from a vaigra overdose, and I still regret not burying him just a few inches deeper.

   Dad to Mom: "You don't have to make me food today." Mom: "Really?" Dad: "Hell no. Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich. April Fools!"

   When you have children yourself, you begin to understand what you owe your parents.