Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My mother always told me to never quit something I'm good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i'm good at being drunk!

   After reading your recent updates, I'm surprised that Facebook hasn't yet asked you, "Whatever's on your mind, could you keep it to yourself?"

   I just tenderized the pork... now to put my pants back on and go start dinner.

   If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your ass.

   I can't wait for the next Micahel Bay movie, where he destroys a kids tv show,.....My Little Pony.....yeah now you girls don't think it's so funny lol

   it me or does the pope look like a super villian?

   most pirates get their eye patches just a little while after they get their hooks

   At least Whitney Houston died doing what she loved. Cocaine.

   Wow! The economy is so bad people are even stealin from Dr.Suess now!

   When I think of terrorism, I think of lynchings, dogs, bombings, assassinations, slavery, chain gangs, Jim crow..not poor Afghans villagers

   The ULTIMATE a-hole move would be if Bill gates bought every combination of the lotto. Only 176 million combos so he'd double his money unless there was additional winners.

   Dear M.Jordan please start making condoms. So these n*gas will start wearing them.....

   If you are the winner of Friday's $500 million Mega Millions jackpot can receive the winnings in one lump sum, yearly installments, or one tank of gas.

   HoodTranslations101: "Sh*t just got real" = The situation has escalated to the highest point of seriousness & is no longer a laughin matter

   Only ghetto people go to a family party, complain about the food and STILL take 3 plates home.

   What's the point of having nice boobs if you're going to cover them up? Stop being so greedy and unbutton your shirt like I do.

   I want to start an electric company called Grayskull so that millions of homes can be run by the power of Grayskull.

   Being a Care Bear must be exhausting. How can anything care so much about everything? It's not possible!

   Am I allowed to see the Hunger Games on a full stomach?

   A cop pulled me over and said "I need your license, I need your insurance and I need your registration!" I said "What about ME & my NEEDS!?"