Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm at the bank depositing my nickel and dime bags... I told them I'll be back later with my papers... to open a joint account. :)

   What's the best way to staple someone's face to their desk and make it look like an accident?

   If I could put one thing in the U.S. Constitution, it would be "In order to wear Yoga Pants, one must have a Yoga Body."

   How come it seems like every woman is wrong until she starts crying... Then she magically becomes right?

   After finally finding a calculator and doing the math I will be able to pay off my debts at the age of 127...

   Eskimos have 49 words in their language to describe snow because they have so much of it. In the English language there are over 50 words to describe a moron.

   Girl just asked me to talk dirty so I described the space behind my fridge.

   That new survey says that 33 is the happiest age but somehow I think Jesus and John Belushi might disagree.

   If you ever laugh so hard that your ass actually comes off, sh!t probably stops being funny real quick.

   I needs some skittles and a yoohoo

   "Tickets." — me (when other people get on the elevator)

   You're 14 and quitting smoking? How Inspiring.

   Can't wait to play the Lotto once again. I was so close last week. I was only off by 6 numbers.

   Geeesh,,Nobody seems to care about all the times I DIDN'T drop the baby.

   Remember children are our future...If we do not keep them plump and healthy, we will have nothing to eat during the apocalypse.

   I don't know how this Nyquil is going to affect my status updates, but I don't know how this Nyquil is going to affect my status updates.

   Here's my cup of care \_/ Oh look. It's empty.

   Never look someone straight in the eyes while eating a banana.

   The best curves on a girl is her smile.....Naw just kidding look at dat ass!

   Dear Lord, give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.