Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it is "Poke a CNA" week, they have it rough, let's show them some love...

   You look familiar to me. Are you the person that my parents warned me about? If so... do you wanna get a room?

   Women are actually the biggest A$$holes.First they call you a ''Player" if you speak to other women then if you don't you're not a 'challenge and they call you "boring''.

   People are judging you right now. you dont need everyone 2 like u. Its your people that matter. Those who dont give an F change the world. The rest do not. Do things that you consider embarrassing. Accept awkwardness. Refuse boundaries. Live.

   "The term CRACKER offendes me" - nobody.

   Facebook keeps asking me, "What's on your mind?", it's like dating someone with low self-esteem.

   Wish me luck... I'm off to contest library fines, on the grounds that I'm an "exceedingly slow" reader.

   I dont need anger managment classes you need STFU classes ;)

   If a woman accidentally poops while wearing a thong, is that considered a "log splitter"?

   Throwing dollar bills at overweight strippers is my version of cow-tipping

   16 and Pregnant? How come I didn't get my own show when I was 16? "16 and smart enough to use a rubber."

   Sometimes when I'm sad I cry into my Brita filter. Turning each teardrop into an uplifting refreshing beverage.

   Just once I'd like to be able to say that my sound is laid down by the Underground and really mean it. Do you ever get that way?

   I love Scrooge McDuck for his personality, not his wealth.

   I fear your addiction to attention and instant gratification is distracting you from the praise-worthy stuff I'm doing.

   If I ever meet David Blaine, I will just kick him in the nuts and then scream "Ta-daaah!"

   Organized people are just too lazy to look for things

   Deja Vu: When God thinks something is so funny he has to rewind it to show it to his friends.

   I come up with the best ideas when sitting on the toilet then forget them after the flush.

   When I was a kid, I used to close the fridge door slowly just to see when the light turned off.