Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   US soldier accused of Kiling 16 Afghans ....Well damn bring these troops home...they're stressed the fu*k out!

   I don't want a cow, I just wanna drink the milk.

   Barack Obama has a new plan for increasing how many barrels of oil America produces. He's going to force the oil companies to use smaller barrels....

   Grandpa sure does like to work on his car... he's been under there changing his oil for 3 days.

   Let's team up! With my looks and personality and intelligence and talent and your drink money, there'll be no stopping us!

   Monday's should start at Noon because I can't get motivated to do anything till at least 12:30 or so on Monday's as it is.

   I wonder how many people have gone to their deaths thinking, "Any minute now, they'll take off this blindfold and I'll be in a Febreze commercial."

   My friend came over and left his laptop on the floor. My mother thought it was a scale. Conclusion: My mother weighs 950 dollars.

   For you non-believers, the Bible is actually 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.

   Let's cut to the chase already and just officially rename it Motherfuckingmonday.

   Dear Life, I have a complete grasp on the fact that you are not fair... so please quit teaching me that lesson.

   You can tell a lot about a new neighbor by how they react when they find you hiding under their bed

   My plan for getting out of work tomorrow relies heavily on two of my best skills--lying and tampering with fire extinguishers.

   There are two types of people in the world: 1. People who understand and appreciate sarcasm. 2. Morons.

   When a woman puts on a low cut shirt, she's basically saying she wants to win all arguments for the day.

   There are some days when I just really do not want to wake up early and go to work. I call these days Monday - Friday.

   ladies just so you know when you are wearing yoga pants all we are looking at is the outline of your pu$$y..

   If Friday ever came up missing... than more than likely Monday had something to do with it!

   A guy is watching TV and suddenly Yells, "Dont enter that church you fool!" His wife asks him, "What are you watching?" "OUR WEDDING!"

   Ladies, if a man doesn't answer your "What are you doing tonight?" text till it's already night time, you're Plan B.