Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you don't like bacon, you should be on a government watch list.

   I was sitting here trying to collect my thoughts, then I realized I don't have any.

   Someone really, really needs to tell Gramma this planking thing was just a fad.

   What do you get the girl who has everything? A round of antibiotics is probably a good place to start.

   Don't you hate when you buy a bag of air and you find some chips in it?

   I got the moves like Jagger! I got the moves like Jagger! I got the...oh, here's the bathroom.

   I believe aliens are real. If I didn't, I would seriously question my mental health cuz SOMEBODY'S been mowing my lawn on a weekly basis.

   Success is 'high fiving' the blinking hand after you've crossed the street.

   Snooki sugned a deal to sell her own perfume. I'm totally gonna buy it because I want to smell like Jager and illiteracy.

   The best things to laugh at are the things deep down we know we shouldn't be........ 

   Some people are worth holding on to. Some people are worth letting go. Most people are just a waste of space.

   I have inside jokes with complete strangers....

   Gone are the days that girls cooked like their mothers, because these days they drink like their fathers

   With the larger amount of stupid people I get to deal with on a daily basis, I thought lobotomies came back in style .

   Life is like a roll of toilet paper. It goes a lot faster when you get close to the end.

   Dear Karma, There seems to be a serious issue with your records keeping software. Please work on that... and I expect a full refund.

   You can tell a lot about a new neighbor by how they react when they find you hiding under their bed.

   "A car with a spoiler is approaching." - Spoiler Alert

   "You must be out yo damn mind" = your behavior is very unorthodox and very contradictory towards my wishes

   When I die, I want my ashes scattered in front of the TV.