Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I still think The Hunger Games would be better with the characters from Glee fighting to the death.

   Let's start checking & accounting accounts together. Ha, Right!

   Lil Wayne Engaged, Wiz Khalifa Engaged, Snooki Pregnant & Engaged.... Everybody got a ring but Lebron.

   I have to give a speech next week about the link between anxiety and insomnia, I have been up all night thinking about it.

   You know those people that totally screw up their lives when they win the lottery? I would like to be one of those people.

   The fire department will hang up on you if you are reporting a disco inferno.

   Your legs must be sore ..cause you've been stomping my dreams for years.

   Skype Conversations: 5% Hey, how are you? 95% CAN YOU HEAR ME?!?!

   The desire of the man is for the woman, but the desire of the woman is for the desire of the man.

   Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It just means that you found the right medication.

   TMZ just reported that Stephen Hawking and Siri are now officially dating.

   Never trust a rabbit or a duck,,, if you want to find out which hunting season it is.

   Every time I get drunk I end up doing something stupid. My girlfriend for instance...

   A study has shown that 1/3 men in Maine suffer from erectile dysfunction. But looking at 1/3 women in Maine I'm not f*cking surprised.

   My friend complained that the place she's housesitting didn't have a corkscrew, but I found it in .02 seconds, for I...am a Booze Whisperer.

   I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but I'm going to be too busy sitting on mine.

   At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, "Make it 52"

   You're not a real man until you've loved a woman who does a little dance before she pushes out a fart.

   Disappointed the ATM didn't shoot out a burst of confetti to congratulate me for having enough to pull out twenty bucks.

   It doesnt matter if I die a heros or natural death, my friends and relatives at my funeral will ask "so how much bloody alcohol was it?"