Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Alec Baldwin's narration voice is a symphony of creepy. He makes a floating glacier sound like a pedophile drifting into a playground.

   Nobody ever wants to give BiPolar people credit for being really great half the time.

   Must've been hard to hear Viet Cong sneaking up on you, what with Creedence always blasting.

   I love the word "Allegedly". You can make up anything about anyone without any reprisal... allegedly.

   I've got some Spring in my step for an energetic foot up your ass! ~ Happy First Day of Spring!

   It doesn't take much to make a woman happy, but it takes even less to make her mad.

   When I was in high school my girlfriend's dad got angry that I took her virginity. I said "Sorry, it won't happen again."

   I like to think that people that unfriend me wake up months later regretting that irreversible and life altering decision.

   The only reason that I haven't yelled at anyone yet is because I am reserving my energy for a slapping spree...

   Stupid people have it made.. Nobody expects anything from them and when they do something right people act like they cured cancer...

   I believe that there will be a war of the sexes one day and the male leader will rally his troops for battle by riding through the ranks shouting, "REMEMBER THE ALIMONYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!

   I don't want you charity unless your charity is bacon and then I will take it.

   If you are arrogant enough to assume that I know what is going on in your life because I read every single one of your Facebook status updates, I probably hid you a long time ago.

   Spring is finally here! Spring Cleaning or Spring Break partying.. the choice is pretty obvious. These shelves aren't going to dust themselves!

   If I have offended you, hurt you, belittled you in any manner, then I want you to know that I was only just getting started.

   Don't worry, guys, Tebow is being traded for our sins.

   I'm takin' the fact that I have one neighbor who doesn't wave at me.. as a sign that she likes bags of flamin' dog poop on her porch.

   A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

   I was enjoying a good sleep today when I was rudely woken by a bloody salesman."Sir..." "Look," I said, "I'm not interested, I'm actually trying to sleep." "Sir, are you going to buy the bed or not?"

   still crying 12 hours after putting his contact lenses. Never gonna eat Jalapenos with my hands again.