Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I saw these two blind guys about to fight and I shouted, "My money's on the one with the knife." You should have seen how fast they both ran off.

   Janitors carry a lot of keys...too bad one of those isn't the Key to Success.

   Rosie O'Donnell fired again from a talk-show, for the 4th time. Time to quit attempts at being so serious and go back to fat lesbian stand-up comedy.

   Z.T.Z.I. = Zero Tolerance for Zero Intelligence

   My bank has this cool feature, whenever I want; they send me a text message with my balance. I do however think the “LOL” is really unnecessary……

   When a girl says, "you have to watch this it's sooo funny, it made me pee my pants"-- I know I'm in for 2 minutes of suck.

   Now I have to buy a new jersey for my nativity baby Jesus

   There is nothing more annoying than two people talking while I'm trying to interrupt.

   Don't you hate it when you get that one idiot that pollutes your entire post?

   I can honestly say that I have never fake laughed as hard as any member of the America's Funniest Home Videos audience.

   I think it would be cool to actually see a great white shark before I die, just not RIGHT before.

   Mom: clean up ur room! We're having guests over for dinner Me: sorry, I didn't realize we were having dinner in my room.

   fat girls are proportionately more angry than skinny girls

   How in the world did Bill & Hillary Clinton avoid the celebrity nickname HillBilly? WE DROPPED THE BALL AMERICA.

   Just saw Peyton Manning Tebowing, very thankful for his new job.

   "And when there was only one set of footprints, that was when I was off hiring a more talented quarterback to replace you" - God to Tebow

   #Tebow will be the first person in history to leave the mile-high club a virgin.

   I only appear to be happy to irritate the people around me.

   What's this "Sex Slavery" that everyone is talking about? And how do I enlist?

   Watched a boy make a wish at a coin fountain. He tossed the coin & missed it. Missed. An. Entire. Fountain. Ugh, this kid sucks at wishing.