Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can really tell who your friends are by looking at your friends list.

   I thought the fire alarm went off so I exited the building. It was a premature evacuation..

   HA! If you think I'M crazy you should meet ME!

   Billionaire Chaleo Yoovidhya, the co-founder of energy drink Red Bull and the second richest man in Thailand, died....Looks like he finally got his wings.

   This day thirty years ago, I gave the old excuse "My underwear are!".

   Success at age: 2- Not pissing your pants 12-13- Having friends 16-17-Having sex 20-35 Making money 40-50-Making money 60-65-Having sex 70-75- Having friends 80-100 Not pissing your pants

   not wearing any green! Watcha gonna do?!

   Recent studies show that 1 out of 3 Americans weigh as much as the other 2 put together.

   If it wasn't for diarrhea,,, I'd have no rhea at all...

   I spent an hour explaining how WiFi works to my dad and my dog. The dog gets it.

   I want to join Herbal Magic...because according to the commercial once you join you can share your ideas with upper management.

   Accidental death from an overdose of laxatives would be... (remove your shades) ...a shi**y way to die.

   Lil Wayne engaged, Wiz engaged, Snooki prego & engaged, damn everybody got a ring except Lebron!

   I looked at you and all I could see was perfection, you looked at me and in your eyes I was a rejection.

   If you're not getting laid then bragging about being single and not in a relationship is pretty fckuing pointless.

   Why is everyone pinching me today?

   I am so sick of Irish Stereotypes ....as soon as I finish this pint of Guinness I'm gonna punch someone in the face

   Do not put off till tomorrow what can be put off till day-after-tomorrow just as well.

   They have nothing in their whole imperial arsenal that can break the spirit of one Irishman who doesn't want to be broken. (Bobby Sands)

   Laughter is not the best medicine...Large amounts of beer, now that's the best medicine!