Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I were found dead, the CSI's would check my wallet and find no money and assume it was murder and I was robbed. Good luck the investigation, my wallet never has money in it.

   If your not pissing green tomorrow, you're doing today wrong.

   Never trust anyone that is nice to you, but rude to the waiter.

   you know you're lazy when you use your toilet as your mop bucket

   One thing everyone will learn in school: How to text without looking.

   Caught me a leprechau! He kept yelling at me, saying he's going to call the cops and sue me....ha, witty little leprechaun I know ur tricks.

   My drunk neighbor says he was attacked by a big bat last night but I was actually using a golf club.

   Dear McDonalds cashier, Don't give me that look, there's no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don't forget the toy b!tch.

   If I don't share all this stuff about me now... it's gonna be really awkward when I show up at your house.

   Do the right thing today: Go to someone's profile, ccroll down 4 months, and like something.

   I hardly know you... but, Facebook says it's your birthday, so happy birthday!

   If life gives you sh!t, proudly take it and fertelize your hopes and dreams.

   I hate to call it "one night stands." I prefer "auditions."

   When I was a kid squirt guns were my favorite toy... Now I'm an adult and making women squirt is my favorite thing. I guess some things never change!

   Let's face it, if St. Paddy's Day wasn't about getting completely sh*tfaced, we'd be celebrating it in the same manner we celebrate Arbor Day. (Shaddap! That's funny!)

   I'm bad kinda in sentences at words order the right putting in.

   I listen better to people when they make sense... or better yet... Dollars...

   Officer the only reason I'm speeding is because I'm late...and stopping me for 15 minutes to give me a ticket is only going to make me speed even more!

   I think Words with Friends... should really be called... Scrabble with Cheaters!

   The things I've seen while hiding in someone's closet are shocking sometimes... there are some sick people out there.