Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sit on my face, I'm Irish!

   starting the day off with some Lucky Charms.....I'm hardcore about today !

   Apparently,,, hospital bed pans are only for the patients??

   I'm not a competitive eater unless someone orders French fries,, "for the table."

   I eat the broken cookies first,, because I feel bad for them.

   Headline: 42-year old, mother of two, Jennifer Lopez is now dating a 24-year old backup dancer! Yeah I always knew she wanted three kids.

   Gentleman...... Start Your Livers!!!!

   I am not a magician, but I often suddenly appear in a cloud of smoke.

   2% of patients in mental hospitals are faking it, and are really just there for the cheesecake.

   Sorry Goldfish Crackers. You will never be taken seriously as a food until you lose the sideways grin.

   Telling someone they "look tired" is the best way to insult someone under the guise of "caring."

   I was watching the news & saw poor people being busted for illegal mood-altering drugs. Then came all those commercials for the legal ones.

   Wet wipes are tissues who like to party.

   Go to church....the wine is free.

   the four leaf clover in a field of life.

   true fact - mcdonalds shamrock shakes makes your turd green

   If your turds aren't green tomorrow then you're doing it wrong today...

   Old Irish Saying: hiccup, burp

   I'm Irish. I don't like anything I can't drink, f#ck, or punch.

   I just went to this restauraunt on the moon.... The food was great but there was like, no atmosphere.. No really,, It took my breath away