Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   unibrows...look like birds in flight when in a 'Surprised' mode

   a unibrow is just a mustache for your eyes

   people from india shouldnt be selling hamburgers. I guess cows arent as sacred as the benjamins

   Trying to decide if its flour or the beginnings of mold on my bread....oh well...nom nom nom

   It disturbs me to see how much I say the word "Retard'' in everyday conversations..But never on Facebook where they are abundant.

   inventing little nipples for your texting thumbs

   had a threesome last night, usually I only use 2 fingers

   glee fans all need to be dumped on their own island..they're bringing our species down

   This woman at work is trying to get me fired, for giving her inappropriate massages at the office. I said “good luck with that, I don't even work here”

   Found a 2 inch eyebrow sticking out of my head. I have terrible friends that are too self-absorbed to notice what's really important.

   The "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" theme caused me to start a lot of fights hoping I'd be shipped off to rich relatives.

   let the music go...out the window...kinda day...:)

   Its that time of year to find out what your friends with pools have been up to since last year.

   Whenever someone tells me I should be ashamed of myself, I'm like "Got it covered, bro!"

   When your life flashes before your eyes does that include the black outs? That'd be cool. Like your life but with never before seen footage.

   Facebook is neat because it provides a platform for me to connect with old friends, make new ones, and figure out which one's are completely insane.

   You can drown in two inches of water. I'm not reciting facts, I'm making suggestions.

   Fair is fair but sometimes unfair is still kinda fair comparatively.

   Person just said they can't wait for technology to beamed them cross country instead of flying. I see it now Error 404 "Passenger Not Found"

   I didn't know the name of the curly-mustachioed head shop proprietor, but that didn't make him a "stranger." And so, I accepted his candy.