Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Scientists plan to clone a woolly mammoth and bring the prehistoric creature back to life. I sure don't see what could go wrong there.

   Sadly, I don't think everyone ever wang-chunged on any night.

   Abilify commercials depress me. Is there a version of this pill I can take just to get through their ads?

   Cop: Do you know how fast you were going? Me: I was trying to keep up with traffic. Cop: There`s no traffic. Me: That`s how far behind I am!

   There are times NO actually does mean YES. Like when you ask a girl if she has daddy issues.

   Life's like a box of chocolate, it doesn't last very long for fat people.

   People with a good sense of humor have a better sense of life.

   SWAG is for BOYS and CLASS is for MEN.

   I'm pretty sure I'm "all that" it's the "bag of chips" that's in question

   I think people get married just to get 'Likes' on Facebook.

   In the future, when it is discovered that what doesn't kill you DOESN'T actually make you stronger, I want to be the first to inject Kelly Clarkson with copious amounts of cobra venom. Let's be real, Miss Independent.

   when vehicles start running on water, the world would be at Peace...

   I just read an article where a study found that men who reported incomes higher than $250,000 on a dating site, received 156% more emails than the under $50,000 ones. On a related note, my income is now $250,000. Your move ladies.....

   SAVE ELECTRICITY; You wouldn't like someone to turn you on & then just leave

   Not everyone that comes into your life needs to stay there.

   Just got through watching ''Black Swan".Thought it was a movie about nature turned out to be a softcore Porno.

   Lost his teddy bear.. Will you sleep with me?

   bind people should hook up with burn victims, not only do looks not matter, they may be interesting reading too

   shopping for a butler monkey on craigslist

   walmart should just start selling furnished trailer homes already. cha ching