Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   FYI: If you beep your horn .03 seconds after the light changes green, I will shut off my car, lay on the hood, and feed birds for an hour!

   You sit quietly under a needle for hours getting a tattoo but if I touch you with my ice cold feet you let out a bloodcurdling scream.

   When I have to put on one of those thick leather weightlifter belts to take a crap, I know it's time to eat some vegetables.!

   Look at the risks men take when they meet a woman, if they are lucky...they get screwed otherwise they get screwed for life;)

   Insomnia is nature's way of saying you're not done bugging people for the day.

   My cat got a "YOL9x" tattoo across it's stomach.

   I saw a homeless guy in a dumpster today. Why would anyone throw away a perfectly good person?

   I bet the "most beautiful teen contest" is ran by some 40 year old perv in the back of a rape van.

   Sasha Gray,Bree Olsen,Lisa Ann,Lela Star,Mone Devine,Jasmine Byrne,Liz Vicious,Jade Marcella,Lavish Styles,Sky Lopez and Little Lupe......If all those names sound familiar to you I have news for you.

   My homework brings all the Asians to the yard, And they're like "It wasn't that hard."

   Get 10 Parmesan Bread Bites for a buck when you order 2 pizzas for 5.99...we can do this cause our pizza's $uck.

   I don't play "Hard To Get" , I play "Never Going To Happen"

   Desperate Housewives is on my TV.... I am DESPERATE trying to find the remote to turn this crap off!!

   ..is (-_(-_(-_(*-_-)_-)_-) (>^_^)>...All eyes on you! (",)

   When you stop looking thru the distorted mirror held up for you in this world- it provides a measure of clarity which is refreshing! But the downside is you actually see how; distasteful, counterfeit, society is currently... objectively determined values

   may reflect economic consequences in relation to constraints placed upon us..! (",)

   With Daylight Savings in effect but on a leap year, isn't this only Sunday? #ThingsMyCoffeeMakerTalksToMeAbout

   You'll never meet anyone who's quietly in training for a charity run

   I can tell when someone is lying just by the simple fact that they begin asking a question by saying "Quick question".

   Remember when we were kids and we were in such a rush to grow up and become adults? Boy, was that stupid.