Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yes, people who exercise live longer. But those extra years are spent...umm...excercising!

   If the scientists REALLY want to know how the dinosaurs died, they can just ask the guy driving in front of me.

   No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single.

   The uneasy moment when a midget is getting high

   "Do you realize how may calories are in that?" "Do you realize how much I don't care?"

   Facebook is our past. Twitter is our present. Unemployment is our future.

   I admit I am hot, but don't blame me for global warming.

   When you die and God asks what you did with your life, try not to say, "Didn't you read my tweets and Facebook updates?"

   The number of lies told by men would decrease significantly if women stopped asking questions

   Are you crying? No, my eyes are taking a pi$$

   Just saw a guy rollerblading while I was driving. Who rollerblades anymore?! Not that guy because I just hit him with my truck. Allegedly.

   Just watched a loch ness monster documentary and I finally believe, without a doubt, that I have better teeth than everyone in Scotland.

   Facebook.. reminds me a lot of high school. Full of alcohol, drugs, jealousy, sexual frustration and a bunch of boobs I'll never get to touch.

   "Won't you put your package in my male slot?" - Is how I hit on my mailman.

   I sneezed and nobody blessed me... What happens now?! I'm scared.

   If Clint Eastwood sneezes on you, it counts as a baptism.

   Glow in the dark condoms. Now you see it, now you don't! Now you see it, now you don't! Now you see it, now you don't! ...

   I'm surprised we don't see more octopus baristas.

   The guy who invented underwear must have sounded crazy.

   Little-known fact: that Quaker guy on the oatmeal box is naked from the waist down.