Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh, I see. Now I'm supposed to recruit a bunch of people to move gigantic limestone blocks. This is starting to sound like a pyramid scheme.

   if you dont remember ever when MTV actually had music vidoes, then you not a true 90's kid

   Welcome to ticketmaster. Please enter the 2 completely illegible words to search for tickets. If you can't read the words, click here for two more completely illegible words.

   Decided to clean the kitchen this morning, started with the last of the rum cake. Cleaned that right up. Decided that was enough cleaning for today..

   I can't play the bagpipes but I can wear a dress and squeeze a really fat cat.

   I argue with myself sometimes. Just for the make-up sex.

   Dear automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm... but I wasnt finished..

   I have a memory foam mattress... I really hope it doesn't remember everything.

   Women cheat on men more often when they're ovulating. Men cheat on women more often when they're drunkulating.

   If she gives you the "Side Hug", You're in the Friend Zone.

   I usually dodge becoming a third wheel by saying "I have the Flu''.

   Fellas: To prevent injuring your thumb while hammering, have your wife hold the nails.

   Just because you had an arugment doesn't mean you are fighting. Frickin' dramatic people!

   I'm never ok with Chris Brown hitting women...unless we're talking about Justin Bieber.

   Has anyone ever got like a lil pain or cough and you google your symtoms and it always say you may have cancer or HIV/AIDS....#nevagooglesymtomsagain

   Someone needs to invent a pill that makes saving money feel as good as spending it.

   The average person consumes 12 pubic hairs in their fast food every year. Want fries with that?

   Angelina Jolie is so malnourished, that Madonna is going to adopt her.

   My GF's an adult film actress .She's going to be furious when she finds out!

   What kind of children go to heaven? Dead ones.