Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Had a Children's Message at church today. Pastor has a bunch of sports equpment. Asks the kids what each is used for. They all tell what sport they are for. When he hold up a bible my kid raises her hand and says "that's what pastors play with!"

   Has anyone notice on the visit California commercial, Kim Kardashian is pretending to read a Quantum Physics book?

   My only real goal in life is to fart loud enough to trigger a car alarm. :)))

   Anytime a bird takes a crap on my car, I eat an entire plate of scrambled eggs on my porch. Just to show the birds what I'm capable of.

   You know how sometimes you accidentally drop food on the floor and eat it anyways? I just did that with soup

   A baggage carousel is the least fun carousel ever.

   Monday Morning. Kind of woke up needing Viola Davis to tell me you is kind you is smart you is important.

   Because it's Monday, I'll go ahead and tell you what the funniest thing is the world is: A fat guy falling down his last 3 stairs, while farting. Glad no one was here.

   My Bologna only needs a first name... I think a second name only confuses everything...

   can't stand my broom on the end, becuase my wife won't stop flyin around on it long enough

   lowercase letters: just like UPPERCASE letters, but without all the demand for attention

   will drink responsibly when someone names a brand of alcohol “Responsibly.”

   If anyone ever tells you “Good Luck in your future endeavors” It's just a polite way to say “Go ███████ Your self!” :P

   I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.

   Your magnetic bracelet is causing me to have negative thoughts about you.

   Just watched a clip of Jersey Shore... Now my eye's have chlamydia.

   Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.

   Confucious says, man who fingers girl on period gets caught red handed.

   does anybody use typewriter still?

   I was watching Dexter earlier. Man he's come a long way. It's amazing how he kills all those people without his old Laboratory.