Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wondering why MTV hasn't done "15 and Slutty" yet. Seems kinda like a no-brainer.

   Hope the boss learns not to call people in on Saturday afternoon with no advance notice. Half the department is drunk! This should go well.

   Brett Favre has joined Twitter. I'll be giving him a little time to figure things out before I click on any of his Twitpics.

   I'll probably never love anything as much as this sweet old lady sitting next to me at the Blackjack table loves her next cigarette.

   I have a friend named Jay. We call him J for short.

   Wondering why MTV hasn't done "15 and Slutty" yet... it would air just before "Teen mom".. Seems kinda like a no-brainer.

   I really don't get interventions. What's the point of being told I drink too much, by a room full of reasons why I drink in the first place?

   Seriously? If I denied your friend request a month ago chances are we're not going to be fb friends with this request either

   To all of you women that get offended by men looking at your chests, just turn around, we like looking at butts too...

   It would be much appreciated if "emotionally damaged" was a relationship status, it would save me SO MUCH TIME AND MONEY!

   Did you know that the word "suns" upside down is still "suns"? Mind = BLOWN

   My shower only has two options: 3rd degree burns or skinny dipping in Antarctica.

   Common sense is like deodorant... The people who need it most never use it.

   I hate it when websites ask me, "Are you a human?" It's like, no, I'm a freakin' unicorn.

   I hope Snooki doesn't have problems while giving birth, otherwise the Dr. will be saying "Uh oh, looks like we're having a little Situation"

   Why even hit on chicks this weekend? I've already been fuc$ed once this week by gas prices.

   I can't remember the last time I heard a dial tone.

   Girls love shoes... so if she throws one at you, you know she's really pissed off.

   It's almost guaranteed that every Saturday and Sunday I ask my friends, "Did I do anything stupid last night?"

   Dear girls who apply for a job at hooters. Do they hand you a bra and say fill this out?