Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You would have thought that the Mexican Mafia would have done something about Taco Bell by now.

   If all this phony enthusiasm persists, there will be severe exclamation point shortages by 2028.

   So "Linsanity" no longer refers to Lindsay Lohan but Jeremy Lin? What if they start dating, what then? The Adventures of LinLin?

   My greatest contribution to most situations is just not making it worse.

   Don't tell me about how you "dressed up" your baby for a special occasion. If you're wearing something you can sh!t in you aren't dressed up.

   Dear cast of The Simpsons, Why is it that the asian characters are white and the white characters are yellow? Sincerely, confused.

   If it wasn't for my incredible willpower, I would be exercising right now.

   I've just been informed by a porn site that "8 hot nymphos in my area are dying to meet me." I'm understandably stoked.

   I'd like to thank my skeletal system for all the support its given me over the years.

   I never understood what liking large asses had to do with being fallacious, but who am I to question the genius of a knighted rapper.

   its not my fault i'm fat, i've been in a fitness protection program

   I hate when you think you have one last piece of jerky left in the bag and it ends up being the silicone freshness packet!!

   Dear mom, if you are reading this right now. I;m in the bathroom and we are out of toilet paper. Please Help!!

   "Kill confirmed." ... "Grandma please, not at the funeral." -_-

   You know someone's ugly when it's time for a group photo & they hand them the camera..

   I hate when ugly people say "I need my beauty sleep" LOL NO! you need to hibernate.

   the difference between rain in india and USA is that in USA the water disappears in 5 minutes. in india the road disappears in 5 minutes

   When I'm bored, I send a text to a random number saying "I hid the body in the sewer"

   Facebook needs a "Wow that's the dumbest GOD DAMN thing I've ever heard, you should be punched in the throat" button.

   If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes