Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Its a boy!" I shouted, as I ran from the brothel in Thailand......

   Email your friends and say "call me at this number ASAP. 12024561414" it's the number to the white house

   A fun thing to do when leaving the Zoo, is too start frantically running and yelling "OMG they've all escaped!"

   The only thing I don't like about my job is that it doesn't involve wearing a whistle around my neck at all times.

   "Going commando" can refer to not wearing underpants, rescuing Alyssa Milano from terrorists, or preferably both at once.

   "JESUS CHRIST... HOW BOUT YOU MAKE SOMETHING ELSE BESIDES PANCAKES FOR DINNER FOR ONCE!!!!" - Aunt Jemima's nieces and nephews.

   Dear 12 year old on Facebook, how are you in a complicated relationship? Did someone steal your cookies?

   People who don't like their beliefs being laughed at shouldn't have such funny beliefs.

   We have a robot that shoots lasers, they have a fruit. I think androids win.

   Nice guys don't finish last, they finish by themselves in front of the computer.

   "Would you like some tea?"..... "No".... ANARCHY IN THE UK

   What's big, red, and looks like a bucket? A big red bucket.

   I had this one night stand, and the next morning I felt so guilty I bought another one for the other side of the bed.

   A clever horse needs only one touch of the whip...unless it's into that sort of thing.

   We Found Love in a Swollen Face - Chris Brown ft. Rihanna

   I'm on a quest around the world to find Bigfoot. I'd originally set out to find cheap gas, but I decided to keep my goals realistic

   Mom: you're all dressed up, where are you going? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new facebook picture.

   I hate that I push myself to do so many squats and lunges only to be forced into walking like a penguin the next day.

   serial killers are a dime a dozen, if you want to really get noticed your gonna have to include a little canabalism

   I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China