Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm giving up my new year's resolution for lent

   The most common form of marriage proposal: "YOU'RE WHAT!?"

   Sarcasm is just one of the many services I offer to people who ask dumb questions.

   B!tch on hardcore pawn got called..'pepperoni ass' I think America jus got its new catch phrase

   If you don't believe that Love is Blind. Look at Howard Wolowitz and Bernadette Rostenkowski.

   When you find the right person, you shouldn't even be able to tell the difference between being "single" or in a "relationship". That's the key. 

   Guns don't kill people. Fathers with pretty daughters do.

   I must be cruel only to be kind. Yes, thy rear does look big in that dress.

   I get so emotional when you're not around. That emotion is called joy.

   What's that thing that's like Photoshop except way easier to use and it's for real life? Oh yeah, vodka.

   After careful consideration I've decided i'm giving up using autocorrect on my iPhone for Kent

   God should have made stupidity painful.

   I only use medical marijuana to treat PMS symptoms. It really helps me forget how much of a b!tch my girlfriend is being.

   I think women should give it up for lent, if you know what I mean ;)

   you can quit with the whole "limited time offer" Proactiv, you've always been $19.95..

   Religion- The longest game of Simon says ever.

   If I'm looking for something and you ask me where did I see it last, I will slap the last person who asked me a dumb question.

   We all know someone who breathes way too damn loud.

   work face: open mouth, look up, avoid eye contact, never get asked to do anything important again

   found some of my old action figures, so what if Mr. T is driving The General Lee, and GI Joe has to wear daisy dukes..