Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Phone on silent. 10 missed calls. Turns volume to loudest. Nobody calls All damn Day.

   With pants sagging as low as yours, what do you plan on doing if you suddenly get into a brawl? Cuz I'm going to pants the sh** outta you and run!!!!

   hey ladies, fallin' head over heels in love only happens in your 20's.. After that the best you can hope for is heels over head

   my ex was so fat she used to but her belt on with a boomerrang

   I'm so old I remember when teens getting pregnant meant "PANIC!" not "Congratulations, you get your own MTV show!"

   Driving in snow is alot like going down on a girl...Just go slow and watch out for the a55hole behind you...

   One things for sure, I can always count on my fingers.

   There are two reasons why I wake up in the morning: my alarm clock and you.

   Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.

   RelationSHIPS sink when they have too many passengers.

   Did you know "bathtub" backwards is still "bathtub"? It's not, but for a second there you believed me

   I gave my kid a happy meal, but it's not working,

   There were a lot of Presidents day sales today, Mitt Romney was confused he thought the presidency was actually for sale today...

   "I'm gonna need to crunch some numbers" is a good answer to any question when you've zoned out and aren't sure what they said

   You're darn tootin'!" - cowpoke complaining about flatulence.

   For Lent, I'm giving up beer for vodka.

   I think aussies were the first to jerk off into a sock. How else would they come up with the boomerang?

   Pancake Day already? That's crêped up on us.

   Fat Tuesday...or as we call it, 25 days till St Patricks Day

   If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.”