Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Like if you havent given one thought to our Presidents, just the day off.

   Here in America we pay homeage to our Presidents by gathering at malls and walmarts giving back our tax returns

   Being President means never having to say I'm Sorry

   I think our Presidents should have to wear powdered wigs...great visual

   just found a Adam Sandler for President FB pg... has there ever been a thought that hasnt been made into a page or group?

   I always collect hair from hairbrushes at party...that way, IF I decide to commit a crime, they'll think it was 23 different people, not me

   The chinese police sketch artists can prob only draw one face...lets see, round face, slanted eyes, flat nose and black hair.....ok, is this the man?....YES!!!

   Presidents Day: A day when America celebrates when they actually had presidents worth celebrating.

   In case anyone is wondering, it's 72 degrees and partly cloudy in India today. The only reason I know this is because I just had a pleasant conversation with a Customer Service rep from Bank of America....

   just stopped a leaky pipe with Silly putty...who's Silly now?

   Starting a 'like' petition.....who would prefer Cheez Its would use the 'immature' cheese

   Fun Fact of The Day: Barbies get fat too, if you microwave them

   Wonders who first decided that female genitalia resembled a beaver? Was there a flat flapping tail? Teeth?

   We should have a "Homeless" Day....celebrated with sales of anything in a large cardboard box and maddog

   Are you cranky when you wake up? You might be suffering from Early Morning Fatigue Disorder, or EMFD.

   If your life ever seems boring just remember that you are on a rock floating in outer space.

   Why are the other countries celebrating our presidents day by dancing, pointing and laughing?

   It sucks at first when squirrels get into your house but then it turns out they're pretty fun to watch TV with.

   I can't believe no one likes my show idea about a bunch of undead bathroom remodelers called “The Caulking Dead”.

   How to tell if a girl is right for you? Text her and say: “Hey I lost my cell phone… Can you call it???” If she calls, move on…