Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am known all over the world for my tendency to exaggerate.

   It's hard to tolerate the ramblings of an intelectually deficient redneck, but then I remember that the were likely "born this way"....you know...with an extra chromosome.

   I just saw a huge and very intricate spider web, but no spider. This foreclosure crisis is really getting out of hand

   They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.

   If you put more money into the car than you did those 23's, you might not be broke down on the side of the road.

   Alcohol goes in, honesty and truth comes out.

   When I was young I used to poke holes in my parent's condoms so that there could be someone else to do the dishes.

   They say honesty is the best policy. I dunno who"they"are so until they come forward ima lie like hell...

   While laying in bed with my Husband last night, he asked me what I'd most like to do to his body. Apparently, "Identify it" was the wrong answer

   In case you're wondering, sneezing while peeing is very uncomfortable indeed.

   She was using them for years before she found out they were lint rollers and not for waxing your taint.

   I often send texts to random numbers that say. "Guess whose restraining order's expired!?" Eventually I'm bound to get a hysterical reply.

   I hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?

   RANDOM FACT: Rihanna's face is 70% forehead.

   Negative Thoughts + Negative People = Negative Life

   Just because you're offended, doesn't mean you're right.

   This white girl took me home last night. She wanted me to prove to her what they say about black guys is true....so I stabbed her and took her purse.

   i guess dione warwick and her psychic friends couldnt eveb predict whitneys death.

   Somebody on my friends list has really REALLY smelly breath... Should I tell Tracy?!

   Bobby Brown abruptly left Whitney Houston's funeral at about 12:20. Heard it was for a smoke break. I think he's just jealous of Kevin Costner's speech