Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   And here's your Valentine's Day forecast: Disappointment with intermittent pockets of candy eating.

   It's safe to assume more pubes are shaved on February 13th than any other day of the year.

   Who Is Paul McCartney? You see kids, before PC's & Auto-tune, there were these mythical creatures who could sing/play/write songs themselves!

   valentine's day is just another pointless day, why do we celebrate it when its really about st.valentine gettin brutally murdered its abit like easter were the hell do chocolate eggs an rabbits come into things when its about jesus????

   "okay" = everything's cool. "okay?" you make no sense. "okay..."= you're creepy. "okayy" = I dont care. "k." = don't talk to me any more.

   You don't want to vajazzle after a certain age or it'll look like bacon dangling from a disco ball.

   First they put safety features on circular saws; next we'll be forced to wear seat belts to run our blenders.

   roses are red, violets are fine, i'll be the 6 if you be the 9

   I just told a child that PMS stands for 'Prepare to Meet Satan.'

   I'm afraid if we keep calling Jeremy Lin an Underdog, his family will eat him.

   Romancing myself today =) If I play my cards right, I might even get to sleep with myself. Chances are I wont call me back....

   Roses are Red,Violets are blue, My knobs in your mouth, best you don't chew

   Save money! Plastic christmas tree...plastic valentine roses.

   Guy gets wife roses. She says "I guess this means you want me on my back w my legs in the air?" He says, "Why, we don't have a Vase?

   I overheard my girlfriend on the phone to her bff saying she wants to get engaged on Valentine's Day. I hope she finds someone nice.

   Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm using my hand, But I'm thinking of you.

   I really spoiled her today. First I bought her a lovely new scent. Then I rubbed essential oils into her beautiful body and then I did the vacuuming and dusting. I f** love my BMW!

   To everybody that is single don't worry you will have your day............ Palm Sunday is just around the corner

   My Valentine is just like my pinkie toe; eventually I'm gonna bang it on all the furniture in this house...

   flagging your girlfriend offside when she leaves the kitchen. a typical valentines day procedure.