Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It should be illegal to be outgoing before 10am.

   Bad: Waking up and finding a pen!s drawn on your face. Worse: Finding out it was traced. EVEN Worse: You were drinking alone !!

   If Crunch Berries aren't considered fresh fruit I don't think this diet is going to work out.

   Dear Giselle, you made your point that the wide receivers couldn't catch the ball. Please keep in mind that not everyone can catch a set of balls while lying on their back.

   Great! Now my: foods to eat, places to visit, crafts to make list just got a whole lot longer. Thanks a lot Pinterest!

   it me or does C-lo Green look like a twacked out beetle?

   I'm not calling her a sl*t. I'm simply stating that if her vag had a password it would've been password.

   Girls, don't waste money tattooing your legs. They eventually become available for free. They're called varicose veins.

   I may look calm but in my head I've killed you 3 times

   The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I'm home alone and my power goes out.

   Idea: A Roomba type of device that putters around the house and then shoots a deadly laser at anyone who says "bro" a lot.

   Today I am bewitched, bothered, and bewildered. Also not wearing pants.

   I'm surprised by the violence in Syria. I really thought the World Peace sign at the end of Madonna's halftime show would work.

   Today, I saw a couple of beetles doing it. Jealous, I quickly crushed them with my boot while screaming, "IF I CAN'T DO IT, NOBODY WILL!"

   MIA No name, talent-less, trashy, low life, that can't sing will make millions by giving everyone the bird. What a low class piece of trash.

   We have several extra kids in our house that are invisible -  their names are ~ "It wasn't me,"  "I don't know," and "Why me"

   I remember as a teenager I used to kill myself getting to a ringing telephone... Now I don't even have the ringer on.

   ~~ S.I.N.G.L.E = (S)tress (I)s (N)ow (G)one, (L)oser (E)radicated. 

   I think your first love holds the biggest piece of your heart because they made the first cut.

   PSA: Red Bull does NOT give you actual wings. It gives you the false sense of wings. I learned this the hard way today. Luckily the frozen ground broke my fall.