Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There comes a time in the day when no matter what the question the answer is booze.

   The last time I had surgery the Red Cross had to team up with Grey Goose to match my blood type.

   If you want to feel special, I have no problem handing you a helmet and a box of crayons.

   So I brought like 19 goldfish to a 'Cash for Gold' store and they wouldn't even pay me a dollar. Not even a dollar! THIS IS BULLSHIIT!!!

   All of a sudden I love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.

   Wanna know how I can tell you grew up in the 90's? Because you wont shut the hell up about growing up in the 90's.

   The feeling you get when youre driving & you see a cop. And youre not drunk or high, but you think 'god I hope he doesnt notice I'm driving'

   How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Glue toast to the celing.

   Don't worry divorced ladies, the zombies wont eat you because you are too fu*king bitter

   Awesome, if you tune in to the NFL Network right now they're showing how Madonna gets hoisted from her formaldehyde jar.

   Trump hugs Mitt Romney and tells him "You had me at "I don't care about poor people'."

   With all these Cops on the road, sometimes I pull myself over, just to avoid a cop from reading my tags.

   ~• << A picture of me when I was younger.

   Don't complain when I CAN'T go out those nights you want to but then you WON'T go out on the nights I'm able to!!

   Once, while camping, my Mother in Law stumbled upon two ferocious Black Bears.....the bears immediately played dead..... until she left

   I can do a couple things with my money on Valentine's day, I can spend it on a buke of flowers or take this girl I like out to dinner.. Hmmmm.. nahhh I'm going to the Arcade!

   Just saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.

   My arm fell asleep again. Time to draw a mustache on it.

   Mom: What does “WTF” stand for? Child: "Well That`s Fantastic!"

   Friend tellin me " Bro I wasn`t that drunk…." Me: “Dude you destroyed my gf's garden at 4:00AM while shouting and screaming "F**k Farmville!"