Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if an actor in a heat of the moment scene has to say "I will cut your freaking balls off" and the Director shouts "Cut!" what the hell does the actor do?!?

   If I said something to offend you .. tell me... I may want to use it again:)

   I Like my Job on my day's off, I LOVE my job on paydays!

   I never said I knew what what I was doing, I said I was going to do it anyways!

   My hubby is on suicide watch ... All because I reminded him that we vowed to be together 'Til Death do us part'!

   Necrophilia: because there's nothing like cracking open a cold one.

   Thank you back to back Sandals and Trojan commercials for making me feel especially single this evening.

   Where the hell were these teachers that bang their students when I was in high school?!

   A cooking show said you can batter food in left-over beer. What is left-over beer

   If you aren't happy being single, you'll never be happy in a relationship. Get your own life first, then share it.

   Thank you Charlotte for bringing all the farm animals together by being the first ever Social Network "Web" Designer.

   Due to the economy......The 5 second rule has been upgraded to the 10 second rule. We just can't afford to be throwing away food....

   If I still reply to your one word text messages you're special.

   *Food hits floor* Little Germs: “Let's get it!”King Germ: “No, we must wait 5 seconds!”

   Instead of “lol” I put “lsimhbiwfefmtalol” Laughing silently in my head because it wasn't funny enough for me to actually laugh out loud.

   What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? Spit, swallow, and gargle.

   "wat r you dewin 2morrow wen you git out uf wurk" people who write like that are stupid and lazy

   best friend....someone who walks in with a flashlight when life is the darkest....

   I had phone sex last night. Had to get the morning after bill.

   Feel bad for blind people. I mean, seriously, how do you know when to stop wiping?