Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Love is never having to say you're sorry. Marriage is saying sorry especially when you're not.

   I always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice

   Yahoo news headline "Woman beats off rapist" Ummmm, did they make some kind of comprimise?

   I failed the quiz by 1 point, the last question was " where do most women have curly hair" apparently the correct answer was "Africa"..

   Relationships are like TATTOOS. They LOOK better than they FEEL.

   Alcohol: The Leading cause of rug burns on your forehead.

   Sweet as heaven, hot as hell, born to tease, taught to please!

   Just because I missed you, doesn't mean I wished you were there!

   I swallowed a quarter once on a bet. And you thought fumbling through your pockets for loose change at the checkout was a pain in the ass...

   The bearded lady, the guy with all the body piercings, the dude with 14 toes, the geek biting the chickens head off... Yep, I'm in WalMart.

   You had better look like your profile picture or your buying me drinks till you do!

   I'm so hungry that my stomach stopped growling. Now its just whimpering.

   Yeah, I thought I loved you too... but then I realized I just needed to fart.

   I just started using the new Timeline on Facebook. Maybe I can trace my life back to when I actually gave a sh!t.

   Patience is not a virtue! Its a gift. I'm not gifted!

   Said to herself "Self", and I knew it was me cause I recongized my own voice & was wearing my underwear "you should really make me another rum & coke"!

   uuuggg one of these days I would like to wake up independantly wealthy so I can go back to bed!

   Sorry Toby Keith. If they ever come out with a "Mossy Oak" design, your song about the "red" Solo cup is screwed!!!

   for every "I give a duck face" a girl puts on facebook, a guy on the opposite side of the screen gives an "I don't give a f°çk face"!

   Im sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid ... I really thought you already knew!