Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not drunk...I'm avoiding snipers.

   I love when my friends tell me they have 3 or 4 days off from work. Then want to make plans to go out and expect me to pay the bill because their check sucked. Well maybe your a$$ should of went to work instead of bragging about being off.

   Next time a girl pisses you off... Just tell her your guna slap the sh!t out of her t!tt!es.. Wait for her facial reaction to change.. And then walk away like a BOSS!

   One of the best feelings in the world is when you hug someone you love and they pepper spray you.

   I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I was sweating...

   i wake up every morning and high five my ego

   roses are red and violets are blue my fat doesnt hang down to my crotch how about you

   Okay, Bee Gees, I'll bite. What qualifies as "more than a woman"?

   Okay, move along! There is nothing to see here!!

   Nobody is calling you man...TAKE THE FN BLUETOOTH OUT OF UR EAR

   I like to go to parks and watch the children run around because they don't know I'm using blanks

   Awkwardly flushing the toilet when everyone else is sleeping

   If you fall, I'll be there - The Floor

   *When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick*

   If you never stuck a butterknife in the cable box to kind of see the porn channel then you never had a childhood.

   Someone stole my coffee cup from work yesterday. I'll be back, gonno go down to the police station to look at some mug shots.

   I was mugged by 2 chinese guys. I told the police how they looked like and they narrowed it down to 53,000 suspects.

   I'm so out of your league, even your fantasy version of me ignores you.

   On a Sunday afternoon, if I dont wake up with a headache, well that just means I was outta liquor or cash...

   I'd rather die than commit suicide.