Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Girls Theory “Listen Half, Understand Quarter, Think Zero & React DOUBLE”

   If someday we all go to prison for downloading music, I just hope they split us up by the music genre.

   I hate texting people who don't use smileys. I feel like I'm texting an emotionless robot!!!

   I'm convinced that whoever invented crack cocaine is also responsible for Samoa girl scout cookies. The similarities are too obvious to ignore...

   I don't always drink beer... Ahh, who am I kidding? I always drink beer.

   this is the earliest I've ever been late...

   I just set off the airport metal detector with my abs of steel.

   Figuring things out for yourself is practically the only freedom anyone really has nowadays. Use that freedom.

   I think I'm going to end up like Plankton. Marrying my computer.!!

   MOM: Back in the day we didnt have internet…ME:” well thats just too bad for you.

   For a change a pace tonight I'm going to watch TV while laying on the couch as opposed to lay on the couch while watching TV.

   A woman can make a man a millionaire... If he's a billionaire

   I hate it when every time I like someone's status, there is always this person named "You" that likes it at the exact same time on the exact same status.

   I've stopped trying to fight my inner demons. We're all on the same side now.

   I fold and hang clothes all day at work...then on my day off I have to do laundry...now I know what a prostitute feels like coming home to her man

   Did Chris Brown really beat rihanna, or did rihanna get to close when Chris was dancing? I dunno I wasn't there.

   I love tattoos- every year on my birthday I get a small dash on my inner thigh were my balls currently hang. You can't tell me that's not going to be a beautiful work of art when it's finished.

   The Blind side- Letting people know that kidnapping is profitable

   Kangaroos cant hop backwards.... it's not very funny, but you learned something! I don't care how drunk you get tonight, you will never forget that!

   Being a ugly woman is like being a man- you're going to have to work.