Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We live in a world where the police come faster if you prank call them then if you were to have a serious problem

   After Pat Sajak confessed to being drunk during Wheel of Fortune, Bob Barker admitted he neutered animals during Price Is Right commercials.

   I don't smoke, but I think a cigarette holder is pretty classy. Or as I call it, a Slim Jim holder.

   The average doorknob has more cooties on it than 700,000,000 very dirty anuses.

   When I think of you, I dont think of tomrow, I think of forever.

   Commercials used to be funny. Now they're just like "hey stupid! Buy this!"

   never teach your 4 year old that she is big enough to stop using "baby" words - we are now sitting down to watch Winne The Sh!t

   If you never jumped from one couch to the other to save yourself from the lava then you didn't have a childhood

   Pat and Vanna were drunk at the wheel

   Pat Sajak was drunk at the wheel......

   The wife wants me to take her to one of those fancy resturants where they prepare your food right in front of you. Does anyone know if I need reservations for Waffle House?

   I am attracted to those which I cannot have, and I am chased by those which I do not want.!

   I tried to log in on my iPad. Turns out it was an Etch-a-Sketch and I don't own an iPad.  Also, I'm out of vodka.

   Oh, the good old days before Facebook, when you didn't care whether anyone "liked" you or not.

   I hate it when people say " you need your beaut sleep" damn B**ch, you need to hibernate!

   No matter what life brings you, always take a lesson from your dog.. Kick some grass over that s**t and move on.

   Have you ever watched you sister or gf actually play a fightin game? Its like watchin a cat on ice playin with bubble wrap.

   boys want to loose deir virginity as soon as posible,girls want to loose it as late as posible. Woman want to get married as soon as posible wereas man want to get married as late as posible

   ‎"Can I see your phone?" "Uhm, yeah, a moment, I just have to send a text." <Delete, Delete, Delete, Delete>

   Facebook should have a limit to the amount of times you can change your relationship status, after three changes, it should default to "UNSTABLE".