Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This is a plea for help; can we please make commercials and tv shows the same volume again?

   10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.

   "Page 404 Not Found" I wasn't even looking for page 404.

   Dictators dress to oppress.

   This kid at my nephew's birthday party sh!t his pants and got to go home. I'm seriously considering this option.

   Would love to grab one of those San Fran NFC Championship T-shirts before they're shipped to Uganda.

   You know you are a Facebook Drama Queen when you post pics of yourself crying.

   Home is where I can look ugly and enjoy it!!

   Not caring about having a great body..caz lets face it food is better !

   I love to run my finger up the outline of a womans camel toe.

   I don't care about Heidi Klum and seal divorcing. Now if there is a news report of the Kardishians being hit by a piece of that Russian satellite it would be a good news day.

   If your breath isn't flammable, you're not an alcoholic.

   Shoutout to blondes who put on lip gloss before they brush their teeth.

   I enjoy long hugs and slow kisses.

   So Valentine's Day is about 3 wks away....While everyone else gets flowers and candy...I'll be like Charlie Brown during Halloween...."All I got is a rock"

   First words I said upon waking up today were " DAVID DOESN'T CARE !!!!! " See I was woken up once again by the smut upstairs arguing and scremaing over the phone with her boyfriend David

   Just choked down three bites of a gas station hot dog and now I have 7 kinds of ass cancer.

   Tracy Morgan collapsed at Sundance and is blaming the altitude. I agree. He was way too high.

   When sh!t hits the fan, you have to make the decision to stop chilling with people who throw their own feces at ceiling fans. Seriously guys

   Parents, you can help end childhood obesity by teaching your kids how to smoke cigarettes.