Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Joe Paterno Dies In Hospital; Doctors Promise To Tell Their Superiors First Thing Tomorrow

   That f^cked up moment when your Ex girlfriend tags you in a photo of her licking her new boyfriend's abs.

   People who have an option to sleep but are still jogging at 6 in the morning in this cold. *slow clap*

   "Who's your wife?(:" "That b!tch over there....."

   Banking institutions are more dangerous than standing armies.

   If you watch 127 hours in rewind it is actually a really nice film about a disabled man finding an arm in the desert.

   i wish my grades smoked weed, so they would get higher

   Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have an "s" in it?

   To the Indian Cricket Team- Guys, please remember it's the FOURTH test tomorrow & not a FOUR-day test!

   Only people in long distance or stalking relationships should be allowed to use the "IT'S COMPLICATED" option on their relationship status.

   I was cleaning up a bit last night and I thought my cat somehow got into the washing machine during the spin cycle! Then I realized it was just Steven Tyler yelling at somebody on TV. Whew!

   Face down A55 up, thats the way I select donuts at Dunkin Donuts

   Tweeted ten different puns hoping atleast one would get a Retweet. Alas, no pun in ten did

   SWAG=Secret Way Of Acting Gay.

   Welcome to Facebook, the official home of VANITY.

   Facebook needs a “Drama of the day” section in my news feed. 

   Do I still get to be one of those uppity "I don't watch TV" people if it's just because I sold mine for methadone?

   Say what you want about Buffalo Bill but that guy had phenomenal sewing skills.

   If you are what you eat, I'm fast, cheap, and bad for you.

   Burger King is offering delivery service in some areas. I don't trust it. Everyone knows it's impossible to drive without eating the fries.