Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate when people don't watch where I'm going when I'm walking and texting.

   Joe Paterno's doctors also said they wish they could have done more.

   According to WebMC, I be illin'.

   I call bullsh!t on these retro bottles of Coca-Cola. They make you add your own cocaine.

   A heads up to girls on Facebook .. if your status says "single" and your profile picture is you with your cat - Well then that is why

   If you emphasize the po in police they're probably already after you.

   Around here we commonly refer to our intellectual property as 'our sh!t'.

   "They're meh." --Tony the Tiger, off his Paxil for a few days

   Need to call in a hot female carpenter to fix this morning wood.

   In porn, large breasted women home alone order a LOT of pizza and never have money. They've lots to learn about nutrition & cash management.

   I only like foods that begin with the word "cheesy".

   Makeup, soda, sandwich, texting, talking, then I realized she was driving the car in front of me, in traffic.

   Ed Hardy makes the "find the douchebag" game really easy.

   Your beer goggles say she's a 9, but my BROnoculars say she's a 3.

   They might as well start teaching texting while driving in driver's education classes.

   If you see any grown man with beads at the end of his braids, please knock his azz TF out

   If you google "Republican Debate" your computer starts to yawn.

   I've heard that the hardest part of Rollerblading is telling your parents that you're gay.

   I like my women how I like my Italian Cruises. Wet, wrecked and ready to go down.

   Think she might leave you? Take pictures of her naked in case she does.