Sean Funny Status Messages

   "Dude, you're getting a Dell!" - Me pulling my spoiled unruly son out of the Apple Store

   China just reported an earthquake... but it turns out it was just everyone cheering at once when Romney said he'd create 12 million jobs.

   I think maybe the key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

   Wanna see new features on your TV that you never knew existed? Let a baby play with the remote for about 12 seconds.

   I got fired from work on pajama day... It's not my fault I sleep naked.

   The best part about pooping with the door open in the morning is being able to see everyone's face at Starbucks.

   I wish I was in a gang so I knew what do to with my hands in pictures.

   "I have 37 pairs of shoes, 23 purses, 9 pairs of sunglasses & an overflowing closet but how dare you waste $200 on that stupid toy!" - Women

   I now have the same number of Tour de France titles as Lance Armstrong.

   I've spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.

   There should be a store for women in their 40's who try to dress like their children called Forever Inappropriate.

   My ex-step mom was so lazy I bought a black Snuggie for funerals.

   Fact: 82% of men that announce they are in the "Hiz-ouse" reside in their mom's "Biz-asement."

   Today's kids play TSA agent instead of doctor.

   If you've never tried to use "the force" to get a an out-of-reach remote control, you're probably not as lazy as me.

   When I voted I wrote Abraham Lincoln in for president and Bill Clinton in for Vice President , Because 2 things this country has Too much of is vampires and ho'z !!

   Got into an argument with the ex-wife the other day over her boyfriend helping my son with his 1st grade reading assignment when he was visiting them. I told her I thought my sons reading assignment was beyond her boyfriends comprehension……………â

   My fitness goal is just to get down to the weight that I lied about on my drivers license.

   Regardless of the results of today's election, I think we can all agree Ann Coulter will say something really stupid about it.

   Why no, stranger, I CAN'T believe how early it gets dark now despite the fact this phenomena has occurred every single year of my existence.