mike Funny Status Messages

   You know it's resolution time when someone has to stop to rest on the way up the stairs TO the gym.....

   If your dog fits in your purse, send it back, it's a rat in a dog suit.

   So, I read today that NASCAR is getting fuel injection.... I also learned that when they hit 88 mph the new cars travel through time back to 1985, when the rest of us had fuel injection.

   Rubbing one out thinking about Wall-E and EVA in the throes of robo-love

   the most successful people are those who are good at plan B.

   ATTENTION VEGETARIANS: If God didn't want us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them out of meat

   Dear BP: Animals soaking up the oil is not a spill response plan.

   "Blonde men aren't dumb, they're evil. Like in the Karate Kid and World War II." - Bart Simpson

   The Orioles have been so bad for so long that MLB is now requiring them to take performance enhancing drugs

   I am a good listener, just ask my TV.

   Wonders if getting excited in your car is considered autoerotic?

   I saw some bright orange splatter on the drive home from DC....it was either a smashed pumpkin, or John Boehner--either way I assumed it was worthless and wasn't stopping

   Can't wait for my rent decrease!!!! Will it take effect as soon as the polls close, or will I have to wait until Jimmy is sworn in?

   thinking of celebrating Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way ...... I'll invite everyone in my neighborhood over to my house, have an enormous feast, then kill them and take their land.

   is hoping for some Salem style mayhem before having to sit through another Harry Potter snorefest.....Gandalf still owes me 8 bucks for the last one.

   I asked my significant other what time it was this evening and got the response of "5:54...5:53...5:52...". I guess next time I should remind her the microwave is on.

   Got my umbrella taken away at gunpoint.....damn Burlington mall

   offering his new drink. It's the Bin Laden. It's two shots and a splash of water.

   ready for them to release the photo of Bin Laden. He wants to print T-shirts and mugs that say "This is the face of terrorism."

   Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms? They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman