Sean Funny Status Messages

   "My phone's about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ....

   Box wine? I prefer the term Cardboardeaux.

   Started to compliment my neighbors on their new wallpaper but then I realized they can't hear me through binoculars.

   I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant could also be called I Didn't Realize I Was Retarded.

   We're probably missing out on a lot of good candy by stereotyping creepy people who have white vans with tinted windows who give free candy.

   Hey Pringles, it's time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn't exactly thin-wristed.

   One thing you always pay full price for is other peoples mistakes...

   Some of you people would be better off on a site called TwoFacedBook instead.

   Wear jeans every day and nobody cares. Wear a shirt twice in a row and you're suddenly homeless in the eyes of everyone.

   I used to work at the post office, I told people I was a mail escorts...

   If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely

   "It wasn't always easy growing up. Sometimes we had to wait .04 seconds for 9 million Google results to load." - 2044 Presidential candidate

   I put little notes in my kids' lunch bags so their friends will mock them ruthlessly.

   Pictures of rich missing kids should go on the back of 1% milk.

   My nickname for my mother was Hannibal Lecture.

   This one time at band camp.... I put a flute in its proper storage compartment.

   It's fun to go up to a dude with a teardrop tattoo and call him a crybaby.

   I take some pride in the fact that I don't need football season to be a terrible husband.

   I'm writing a thanksgiving cookbook called "50 shades of gravy."

   I'll believe self-help books work when I see a bunch of them on a sane person's bookshelf.