Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   BREAKING NEWS: So according to my calendar, today is National Alien Abduction Day. In other words, the government has been lying to us. There are aliens! Lol

   Someone called me a f*t f**k. I wanna know if that's an adjective or a verb.

   If 22 is twenty two & 33 is thirty three, then why the heck is 11 not onety one?

   Shout out to all the married folk out there waiting for their spouse to fall asleep on the couch so they can watch what they really want to.

   Feels like an extrovert stuck in an introvert body

   Also in the news, the national atheist church has applied for non-prophet status.

   "You people are so stupid." ~ D. Trump. (to all his fans)

   In Canada, you just suck!

   I got a job sketching suspects at the police station. I'm a con artist!

   Technology will facilitate deception, domination, and surveillance too big to fail. The tentacles of the Squid Game now include the blood in our veins.

   Cheer up! Someone somewhere is thinking about me naked.

   Marriage tip: When your wife is laying down on the couch, ask her if she plans on doing anything today. This will subconsciously remind her that she has chores to do that need done, and she needs to get up and start doing her chores.

   Man rule: Plastic water bottles must be crushed prior to disposing.

   It's so strange to think before Facebook, all this nonsense just stayed in people's heads.

   The imbecile underneath this couldn't come up with a clever retort, so he stood on my shoulders and a f00l of himself in the process.

   Octopuses originated in Scotland. They came from bagpipes.

   I remember the last gal I picked up from the bar.... not a beauty but not ugly either. I mean she was covered with ten foot pole marks....

   Old people at weddings always poke me and say, "You're next". So, I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

   I am content to see the end of what was the empire called the US of A. Every empire comes to an end, typically at the hands of the insane from within. The US of A had its time. It's now time to end it.

   ScaryKoenig and his mum. Took turns licking grandpa's bum. When they're done with all their fun. Gary licks his grandmum's c~m.