Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know it's going to be a bad day when your imaginary friend files a restraining order on you.

   What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common? The fear of not making it home.

   Wondering if life is easier when you're totally insane? I'm about halfway there and I want to know if I need to speed up or slow down!

   His approval rating is going down faster than Melania on greaseball kiddie rock each time he wears his sequined Circus Ringleader Clown Suit.

   Why doesn't Maury just do the show from backstage? All the women run back there when they find out that none of the 23 guys they tested are her baby daddy.

   With 2-in-1 Shampoo and Conditioner, how does the shampoo know to go first?

   what would happen if you're scared half to death twice

   Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.

   RIP Bob Saget: A comic whose stand-up routine was basically a 9 year old who discovered you can say curse words when your parents aren't around.

   I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, damn that must have been really painful.

   being insane should at least burn calories

   20 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Jonny Cash – Now we have no Jobs, no Hope and no Cash.

   Here's how I define marriage: Marriage is finding that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

   Kids these days will never know the pain not being able to see a movie because they are all rented out.

   "When you ran out the healthy arms, you ran out of really healthy they had great arms but they ran out. It’s called sports. It’s called baseball in particular and pitchers I guess you could say, really particular." Putins B*tch Apr 07, 2025

   Yeah, yeah. You buy brown eggs. Show-off.

   My name is, P01135809

   A phone booth was perhaps not the best option for Clark Kent to change into Superman. He always emerged with his underwear on the outside of his outfit.

   I once took a Viagra and it lasted longer than 4 hours. I asked my date if I should call the doctor. She screamed, "DON'T YOU DARE!!!"

   Bono and Edge walk into a bar and the Bartender says " Oh No Not U2 Again ! "