Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I learned that just because you wake up naked in your back yard after a full moon and don't remember anything it doesn't mean you're a werewolf!

   Listen, baby, I can deal with the herpes, the gluten intolerance, and the irritable bowel syndrome. But I will not date someone who listens to music through their phone's speaker.

   If you see me in public, it's AI.

   How come kindness was never an option in Clue

   Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.

   I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’

   If you bought a fruitcake this past weekend, you have until March 2035 to eat it.

   What evidence is there that cats are so smart, anyway? What do they do? Because they’re clean? I am sorry. My Uncle Pete showers four times a day and he can’t count to ten. So don’t give me hygiene.

   My New Years resolution is to try and put less than 5 chapsticks through the washer & dryer next year.

   We should have staff meetings in the garden. The plants would love the fertilizer- Joe's Chief of Staff.

   Does putting ketchup on everything affect your credit score?

   Remember when we woke up in the morning and the economy was stable, we didn’t deport the wrong people and the world respected us? Yeah, I miss those days too.

   Washing my wifes laundry! Does that count as making her panties wet.

   TSA is no longer going to use that scanner that shows passengers in the nude. They made an executive decision Today after the View Cast boarded a flight at LAX.

   People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders

   The only people who don't want the Redkins to go back to being called the Redskins are ghey sissies who don't watch the game in the first place.

   TikTok. Exemplifying the devolution of mankind one imbecilic post at a time.

   I am the reason why Santa has a naughty list.

   Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.

   I'm so happy college football is back. Where else can one enjoy such blatant one sidedness and win money on the outcome?