Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When a police car circles around to go after the criminal, how do you know it's a police car? .... It just did a donut

   I'm lonelier than Colin Kaepernick at a Garth Brooks concert.

   Remember when Tom Brady threw a pick six in Super Bowl LI then gave up? Yeah, neither does anyone else...

   No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still fun to bonk someone over the head with.

   Once you mine you ain't leaving, welcome to death row

   My first official April Fools act was changing all the clocks in the house ahead one hour! Update: prank backfired on me. I never changed the clocks during daylight savings. 🙄

   I'm so old when I was a kid Facebook didn't have a name and everyone just called it ADD.

   To the below: Are you saying you want the media to pay everyone's mortgage?

   So when do we start the old people offerings to the Dow — I believe he's the brother of Zeus and Poseidon — God of the Economy & Bailout Bonuses?

   Kat Schwartz is an excellent name for a British hooker. If you agree please vote at five one eight nine five one four six zero two. Snap me.

   if a person keeps on thinkin of deletin his/her fb account ,, cn it be concidered as suicidal tendency

   By useing earbuds it gave me alot of practice to un-tangling a string of Christmas lights

   @nbcagt: "I once got trapped on an escalator when the power went out and I was scared for my life!"

   This morning I had call 911 on the truck with the flashing lights in behind me that passed me....turns out it wasnt a cop on the phone, its was the dispatcher.

   The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

   Beer tastes better when you have to work the next day, it’s science

   I’m not so much 50 as I am 5 10-year-olds held together by ibuprofen, Ben-Gay, and weed resin.

   "The president's economic reset over the next 3-6 months might be a little rocky...." A little? BAWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

   When Life knocks you down, calmly get back up, smile, and say, “You hit like a sissy.”

   So 10-year olds in Florida can't say "gay," but 10-year olds in Tennessee can say "I do"?