Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If the government would charge a 3% stupidity tax on themselves alone, they could beat inflation tomorrow

   Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.

   When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”

   Truth Social has been a bigger bust than 'I Heart Huckabee'.

   If you think about it, The Kentucky Derby is like NASCAR only slower and with poop.

   I hate it when women paint a bunch of FAKE on their face, just to look more unattractive than before.

   If you identify as non-binary I want you to answer this question with a yes or no only: Do your parents know you're an imbecile?

   The most important thing I care about in a president is how high gas prices get while he's in office (rolling eyes back).

   My good status messages are in my other pants.

   At what age should you put the tonsils back in

   I don't care how obese Trump is, I want his mushroom deep inside me.

   I have finally figured out what's wrong with my brain - on the left there is nothing right and on the right there is nothing left...

   When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me

   Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands

   Why have I never actually seen a pie on a windowsill? even as a kid....

   9 years ago, my friend Mike came running from the room shouting “It’s a boy” with tears in his eyes. We never went back to Thailand.

   I don't want to be a millionaire. I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

   It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.

   Over half the contacts in my phone are named “Do Not Answer”

   What if UFOs are just billionaires from other planets?