Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I imagine homeless people aren't the biggest fans of little dogs wearing sweaters.

   I had my ex for dinner to discuss some things and she told me the dinner was amazing. Little did she know my tears seasoned that steak.

   Life is like an ice-cream - enjoy it before it melts.

   ..... the next event on the Olympics calender is the unsynchronized FLAG & COUNTRY competition ...

   Its amazing that we as people get curious and it cost a lot of money we just say "nah... its not worth it" but when the government gets "Curiosity" They spend billions on it.

   Only virgins, with no chance of ever getting a girl, believes in conspiracy theories.

   The processor in my smart phone is 120,000,000 times faster than the computer aboard Apollo 11. They went to the moon, I play Clash of Clans and watch videos of funny cats flushing toilets.

   The Gazpacho Police sounds tasty.

   Jo I hate it when tramps sit next to cash machines and ask you for change, cash machines only give out notes. If you want change, go sit next to a pay phone!

   Looking back on all the crap I learned in school.... I’d say cursive writing is probably the least used skill ever taught.

   It's disturbing to think that somewhere, someone might be listening to a Sane Clown Posse

   I want to fist punch any grown man that fist pumps

   The phrase, "Don't take this the wrong way" has 100 percent REPOST success rate

   since state farm also offers life insurance, why do you never hear a commercial say "like a good neighbor state farm is there....with a bullet in my spouse's head"?

   X says woman pay thousands to grow their boobs [not jobs!]...I just eat lots of candy and let nature take its course!

   The FOX announcers are talking dirty...Drying Up the Wet Spots...LOL!

   You wouldn't believe how jealous she is. She even came up the aisle with her brothers as bridesmaids.

   Thinking about totally revamping my hairstyle. Ever since Justin Bieber came on the scene, it's no longer acceptable for a 25 year old to have a similar haircut. I'm thinking short, but not too short.

   ...MOOCH: A scab or freeloader who comes to your house uninvited and overstays his welcome (For more than about 3 days) and proceeds to eat all your food, stink up your bathroom, take all your drugs, drink all your beer, and just generally leech all the b

   right now...there are 3 kinds -- people : 1. who want to kill Kristen 'coz she cheated Rob ,2. who don't know who the HELL she is and my personal favourite.......... 3. who don't give a DAMN if she did......