Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Where’s a careening bus when you need it?

   A vessel that didn't undergo a certification process, had issues on all of its previous dives, and was operated utilizing an aftermarket video game controller. What could possibly go wrong?

   Ultimate dad move: Tattoo a saddle on their leg.

   the more things change, the more they stay the same.

   Hope all of you who received a book from me for Christmas thoroughly enjoy them! Oh and don't forget they need to be back the library by the 30th.

   Peter Griffith : Now There's a Family Guy .

   if "octo" means 8, why is October the 10th month?

   I'm a good person. That's why I don't talk to many people. Too good for them.

   In the 70s Volkwagen owners use to say "Home is Where The Bus Is...." But owning a old bus nowadays is more like Home Is Wherever the Bus is Broken Down.

   What if I told you everyone you know on social networking websites is me.

   Did you know that coffee spelled backwards is eeffoc, which explains why I don't really give eeffoc about many thngs until I'm finish drinking it.

   Sorry this card’s a bit late, but I guess you used to think you showed up a bit late... like bad decisions and condoms. Congrats on your new baby!

   I don't want to read it because I don't want to change the way I look at a certain someone.

   Wonder how there could be a Facebook group on Facebook calledFacebookers Anonymous which must be like trying to hold his successful AA meeting in a bar.

   UBER: Oh, we're halfway there ME: Ok, good U: Oh oh, we're living on a prayer M: What? U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand M: Oh god

   Mercury is in gatorade or whatever

   What the heck is Pizzagate? In any case it makes me hungry, I'll have mine with anchovies.

   I wish I loved anything as much as yankees love fireworks. #nojobbutcanaffordfireworks

   No thanks on the street corner baskets for Valentines Day. Just put those $10 on a chipotle card.

   OK, it's official. Tide Pods don't taste anywhere near as good as they look. (Don't ask me how I know this...)