Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In sept 1945 I wish "he" was shot into space instead of his mother being impregnated with him.

   What kind of quack doctor prescribes an odd number of pills for OCD

   I find it quite humorous how many Trump humpers watched the State of the Union.

   There's a new #Aerosmith album coming out, so call your grandma she'll be excited.

   shout out to all of the crips that's stopped at a red light right now.

   First of all, Adam Levine, who still uses a pay phone? Secondly, you're such a wuss. Stop calling her. She obviously treats you like crap & puts you in misery. Grow some balls, man.

   I got off with this Thai lady last night........ She had an 8 inch clit0ris...

   "Well, If I have a good lawyer",,, The answer to the question,,,, Can I bring a gun to a fist-fight?

   Who lied to you, people who call themselves beautiful?

   Free joke for rats: Pick up a cashew and pretend to use it as a phone.

   Saying "I fell in love with a dictator" is something I will never say in my life.

   420 - 0, what a great number.

   If I have to explain to my husband WHY I am angry with him, then what's the point?

   just passed a Liopleurodon on her way to Candy Mountain.

   A man has been admitted to hospital with HYPOTHERMIA AND FROSTBITES after he was left CHILLING at HOME for the whole day by his wife! A COLD CASE FILE has been opened!

   I have this condition where I can no longer do math in my head. It's called Fibromyalgebra.

   If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie

   The best part about being over 50 is discovering all the new regions of your body that can support hair life.

   I feel so stupid for cashing in my retirement account early. But then again, I always feel stupid using the Coinstar machine.

   Everything I know about the Kardashians I learned against my will.