Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   " Lady, Have you tried texting him 22 more times?" You probably are a pain in the a-ss stalker!

   Just got this text message, not sure if it's spam:"Congratulations! You have won A £50 of shopping vouchers or a night at an Elvis Presley tribute act. To claim your prize, press 1 for the money, 2 for the show..."

   I may have been born at night, but I wasnt born LAST night...

   I am a dandy in the ghetto with a snow white smile

   I got so frustrated watching my wife play Kinect sports earlier that I smashed the controller against the wall.

   i dont drink. I dont do drugs. I dont even drink coffee. I do pills so its way different.

   nothing screams sellout more than being an adult in Taylor Swift's band...

   I hate when I'm scrolling through Facebook the first thing in the morning and accidentally run up on the three headed baby.. Eww

   When a tornado touches down in Oklahoma, they issue a PDS Broadcast. PDS must mean 'Pretty Damn Scary'

   What did the traffic light say to the car? Don't look i'm changing

   Every time I'm with you, I feel like I'm in lord of the rings cuz you're my precious

   Wow a guy on the train just got up and said "Remember rugrats. Remember the 90s" and now we're all standing up clapping and cheering for him

   Groupie: Hi. My name's Candi. I'm not a groupie. I'm a friend of the band. Band guy: Wanna $crew? "Friend Of The Band": Okay.

   No I'm not playing with it. - What I have to tell my wife every time I'm in the shower.

   gathering up snow flakes to build a snowman.

   going to the drive-in in my RV and parking right in front of you!

   AKK AKK AKK! Spinachk is me favorik fruitk. (I love Popeye.)

   Shoot what's available, as long as it's available, until something else becomes available...

   Our school is attempting to be active in eliminating bullying. I began a conversation with students about the saying, "Sticks and stones make break my bones..." One of my students finished the saying with "but chains and whips excite me!" Wow. Thank you,

   Be careful if you see a silver lining in a cloud. It could be another aircraft.