Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have this tendency of saying stupid things to pretty women, I wonder why?

   If you had a good time, the best time of your life and you don't post it on social media, did it really happen?

   Sometimes when I drink, I start thinking about kids and a family. I might have a drinking problem

   Tetris but one piece is shaped liked you and it doesn't fit anywhere.

   Star Wars (1977) An epic tale of a pair of gay robots teamed up with incestous siblings to help them destry their father's midlife crisis toy.

   You know you have been neglecting your own life when you keep up with the Kardashians, know most celebrities’ birthdays and are up to date on most celebrities’ lives and know all their favourite foods.

   I’ve never had a safe word, but most of my partners have used distress signals.

   Sex is only 15% of a relationship unless you're not having it. Then its 0%.

   So it seems Serena Williams continues to live inside Maria Sharapova's head rent-free.

   If you watch Jaws Backwards it's really about a shark that keeps throwing people up until they finally open up a beach!

   Damned phone... I keep typing that "I need to get laid" and it keeps autocorrecting to "I need to get lard" and now people are sending me cans of Crisco. :(

   .... I was excited to finally see the light at the end of the tunnel .... till it turned out to be a train coming the other way

   When a man 'fine' he means the battle is over. When a woman says 'fine' she means she is fine with your impending death.

   It looks like Turkey did take Trump's economy threat seriously. Gee, what a surprise.

   🎵I'm dreaming of a White Castle Just like the ones that we all know Where the square buns glisten and I am wishin' That there's no chunks I'll have to blow 🎵

   If a prostitute gets pregnant from a client, can she call the National Accident Helpline?

   I married my wife for her good looks but not the ones she's been giving me lately.

   Here we go. Everyone on FB is making 911 all about themselves. "Hey, don't forget me!" SMH.

   Just attended a concert headlined by the band Disturbed. Evidently everyone in the mosh pit has been infected with COVID 19 - they're all Down With The Sickness!!!

   My husband keeps tapping on the window saying..."look, it's snowing"....if he keeps it up, I suppose am gonna have to let him in.....!!