Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ..... Still waiting for the Olympic Committee to award me with the Bronze Medal for Bronzing my metal ....

   Let's raise a glass to my whininess. Too bad it's not wineiness.

   Thanks Nerds for reminding me its "Doctor", not "Dr" Who; also, I probably made out with your sister at a Motley Crue concert, so shut up!!!

   I think Willy wonka choked on an everlasting gobstopper

   Dug up a questionable bone in my backyard and re-buried it because ain't no one got time for an investigation.

   You know your weed man is getting too popular when he has his own Snapchat location filter.

   Are You: A) A complete partier. B) A vampire. C) A regular insomniac, or D) Some combination of the above?

   Winnie Mandela is 80 and still looks fresh and beautiful than most of you 20yr old girls.

   What's the word for when someone goes 1-100km/h in 7.5 sec in a relationship only to jump out as you engage cruise control?

   Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

   Y'all freaking out about the clowns as if women aren't afraid of being murdered by strange men while walking alone at night all the time.

   Top 5 Fears: 1) Snakes. 2) Tornados. 3) Avalanches. 4) Spiders. 5) A baby not high fiving me back.

   I think Christmas must be near, The bin man said good morning to me.

   Italian bread is just like regular bread but it's gold chain gets stuck in its chest hair while it blows out your kneecaps.

   Today is Erection Day! Go hard or go home...

   Oh... Okay, not the choice I would have made - but game on! Let's see how bad it can really get... for science!

   They say 50% of #status updates are written while sitting on the #toilet That's why I don't buy used mobile #phones .

   I was telling my wife how my New Years resolution is to try and be a happier person. “That’s lovely” she said, giving me a hug. “I’m glad you think so” I replied. “Your bag’s by the front door”.

   The truth about 9/11: it equals 0.81818182

   people with children should be allowed to do things while hiding from their children because children are mini terrorists.